I can not get free from my desires, my needs, my feelings. and I am useless as I anyone can be. damn this life

I will be dead and I know it. Death will be the end of it all. the struggles, the desires, the hope, the heartaches,everything.

I had the lung transplnt surgery on may 4th 2023. star wars says hello! lol! lots of things has happened since then and I am too tired to write about them. I am not out of woods yet.

I was hospitalized for about a month. one or several steps closer to death. when somebody feels that his death is getting closer , a lot of other's people's daily problems seem laughable/ pathetic to him.It is an interesting feeling for me though.In a movie called ghost rider II, there was a character called "Decay". he was villian put by Satan on earth to kill people. whenever this guy, was on screen touching any person, the picture becamce darker, and colors were fading into white, gray and black. I feel the same thing. any day that passess and my health deteriorates, I feels everything around me becomes darker and more gray. This feeling can only be felt when somebody knows he does not have a lot of time to live.it can not be described but felt. I am still consciousbut being on 5 liters oxygen at rest and more than 10 Liter per mintues on exerction is not a healthy way of living..its a dark and lonely place to be. ادامه مطلب

I have been sicker recently.. to tired and lazy to write my thoughts.I found out something intresting a couple of days ago. when I was about 25, I did not know much about philosophy, Albert Camus, Nietzsche,... However I remember a night, I was with my friends from medical schools, driving in underpass and pulling each others legs and making fun of each other.they know more or less about my pessimistiv views about life. one of them ask, let ask Esmaeel, what is his opinion about life? and I said ".-persian: زندگی کس شعری بیش نیست" which roughly translates into" life is absurd" and they laughed.It insteresting that 2 completly seperate minds, in different time lines, different circumstances came into same definition about life. I hate life but at the same time I don't want to die. intresting isn't it. well, the nature is doing its thing any way,... getting close to 40. the magical number. I am not sure I see it. ادامه مطلب

My birthday was a couple of days ago. sometimes I wish I was not bo. my worldview makes being alive a useless struggle. no afterlife, no god, no heaven, no hell, no punishment no reward, nothing. so why bother? especially if you have an incurable disease or you are raped or you are poor or... all the good stuff for suffering.The problem is life itself. we are wired to try to survive. that is iate. so I have a love-hate relationship with me being alive. I hate it but love at the same time. shitty feeling. The only thing that helps the "life" side slightly have more traction is the " love of others "  and the fear that when I die they suffer. or these are all justifications of a selfish mind... I don't know anymore.when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease in 2017, I predicted that I won't see my 40th birthday. I hope I am wrong, I am rarely wrong, especially in medicine. ادامه مطلب

It has been a while. I wanted to write earlier but I am tired, lazy and maybe scared. my mother is here. poor woman.. already had a shitty husband and shitty life and now has to take care of her disabled son at the age of 60. I remembered why I left my country. because of family problems. my father was and still is an ostacle in our lives. inflexible, tryical,... I left because I could not fix the problems so I fled. the problems are still there.I will be listed for the lung transplant soon. the big gamble. I can be alive for 25 more years or even less than a year. odds of 25 years is slightly better but you never know with my luck.and that is the struggle I have with life/ or being alive. I hate it but I need it or love it too at the the same time. My programming /DNA / make me to love it. that is the purpose of it. however, somehow some part of my brain /the logical part/ hates it, or better say it thinks life is useless and purposeless.but there is nothing after death and you can not come back from death. it is not a temporary pause.It is hard for my mind to comprehend death.it is not like total blackness or sleep. it is different. if somebody thinks about death for real he will go insane.I have to talk to Tina about what to do with my stuff after my death ادامه مطلب

There comes the time ( or times ) when I feel empty, sad, hollow inside... hollow like a atom. the most important thing in human life is the state of his mind. granted that he is not actively dying and the mind is not clouded by drugs. it is all coected to passing the DNA again.the purpose of life is not happiness, pleasure, or feeling good. it is passing the genes. so happiness (a state of mind) is the means not the end. so it is always temporary, the baseline can be changed but the maxiumum can not be sustained. it is sad and pointless pursuing something that is temporary. like bulding the most elaborate sand castle the beach close to the ocea, it will fall apart sooner or later...however when you are happy , you are hopeful, energetic, positive, etc, but the chemical transmitters will eventually fade off and the euphoria will disapear. if your state of the mind baseline is high enough then you are healthy and normal being and start towarc achiving another goal and another happiness. but if your baseline is low (like me ), welcome to emotional roller coster, hell,....Being happy is relatively easy but realistically hard.... you should have a normal childhood, nomral body, normal mind , normal relations , normal enviroment to begin with. it can be categorized as normal inside and normal outside.... and a lot of it is out of your hands....     ادامه مطلب

As I said millions time before the most important factor in your life is luck. some people have it, some people don't. everybody's fate is already sealed they just don't know it yet.everybody is bo alone an die alone and sometimes live alone. everybody experiences the world differently than others. the experiences ( all kinds of them) are similar but not the same. one of the good omens that can happen to somebody is finding a good companion. good companions usually shares similar worldviews, virtues, fears,etc and have similar experiences as the person or try to feel similar ( empathy/ sympathy stuff). there are a lot problems in this world that can crush you into oblivion if you don't have a good companion. And like everything else 100% of the time the chance of finding one is based on luck. you can try but yet again everything is out of your control realistically. P.S. the breathing is getting harder and coughing is gettin worse. signs of upcoming worse days... ادامه مطلب

sometimes, for a couple of dasy in a row, I don't have the energy to get out of the bed. I more sleepy.It can be due to ILD, hypothyroidism or depression. I have had nightmares recently. It involved my father and going back to Iran to die. If I can go back to Iran I will die of this disease. there is no cure there. no transplant. even here the the lung transplant is the last resort.no guarantees except pain and suffering. borrowing time.. postponing death.As it was said in the house MD " almost dying changes nothing, dying chages everything". It is a horrowing experience. It hollows the soul ( if there is such a thing). especially if the person does not believe in the afterlife. this is it. the end. so empty.. so pointless.. so useless.some experiences and feelings can not be described, they can only be felt.. death is one of them. and everybody experience it alone.my mind is too tired to form coherent thoughts at the moment. maybe later I write more ادامه مطلب

Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness. (The architect- The Matrix Reloaded)

-how long has he been in a coma?

: I am not really sure... 5 years..10 years..

There is no higher calling...

There is no divine purpose...

Somebody f*cked someone and you were bo/produced to f*ck someone else to produce that other one to f*ck someone to ......

got it?

The plane is crashing, the walls are closing, and nothing can be done...the destiny is calling.