The countdown 17

sometimes, for a couple of dasy in a row, I don't have the energy to get out of the bed. I more sleepy.It can be due to ILD, hypothyroidism or depression. I have had nightmares recently. It involved my father and going back to Iran to die. If I can go back to Iran I will die of this disease. there is no cure there. no transplant. even here the the lung transplant is the last resort.no guarantees except pain and suffering. borrowing time.. postponing death.

As it was said in the house MD " almost dying changes nothing, dying chages everything". It is a horrowing experience. It hollows the soul ( if there is such a thing). especially if the person does not believe in the afterlife. this is it. the end. so empty.. so pointless.. so useless.

some experiences and feelings can not be described, they can only be felt.. death is one of them. and everybody experience it alone.my mind is too tired to form coherent thoughts at the moment. maybe later I write more